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American Idol, Season 14, Episode 3: JLo, you can have a rib! (Hollie’s take)

For Will’s take on this episode, click here

This post is late because I spent all of Wednesday night writing something for work, which ended up being torn apart and needed rewriting the next day anyway, so I wish I could get my Wednesday night back and have watched this episode fresh. I mean Jesus, Hollie, you have ONE LIFE TO LIVE, you should spend it watching forgettable mediocre singers, not churning out some crappy marketing schwag!

OK, I get the bus now, it goes to C- list cities to audition kids who stop off on their way to Denny’s.

Kansas City started off with Big Wan– Will is insisting it’s Big Ron, but I really do believe it’s Wan– who seems to have genuine swag and who I genuinely like. However I can only take so much of that Marvin Gaye shit, so long time prognosis is to be determined.

We are then made to feel uncomfortable for the first time tonight as the judges mock some Broadway-style guy with a high voice. It was one of those “are they making fun of him or not?” moments for me, as I often really don’t know if someone is good or not. Which is probably why I have not ever won my American Idol fantasy league.

A guitar folksy montage then commences, and there he is, SINGLE DAD from last season. But there are ZERO single dad references, and not even a “flashback to last year” back story. Producers do not seem hot on Single Dad!
For those of you who ride the subway:  Do you know when you’re waiting on the platform, and the train just isn’t coming, and there is some busker – for me it’s usually either one of those guys who drums on buckets, or an old Chinese man playing that horrible old Chinese man instrument—who is so goddam annoying that you wish you were more of an asshole so you could go up to him and give him $20 to STOP playing until the A train arrives?  That’s what I felt like during that entire Accordian-girl audition. Again, I didn’t know what the judges were going to say—was she good?  Did she suck?  I guess she was good, as she and her novelty instrument will be annoying her roommates at the Hampton Suites Burbank during Hollywood Week.

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eah, this thing

Then we get one of TWO Poor Man’s Crystal Bowersox of the night.  The first one is “so quirky I’m barefoot.”  The other one is “so quirky I play the banjo.”  They both annoy me and both go through.

Enter the lanky, shy cowboy Anton, hands down the most genuine, sweet, authentic person and voice… and the judges’ eyes are welling up too, so my senses are right and he’s in!  I’m mostly intrigued by the puzzling “Family Shot” outside the door… I think there were two women there with babies. Was one baby his?  Are both his but the producers didn’t want to ruin their ‘shy cowboy’ bit by showing he’s got two baby mommas?  Did an AI focus group reveal that the Single Mom story is more marketable than the Single Dad bit?  I’m nervous about what is going to be revealed.

Oh No, Deaf Parents.  The poor girl with a not-good voice has to trot her poor family in the room so that her Dad can hear her sing using a special device.  Will and I simultaneously wonder aloud, “What about the mom?!,” who is forced to sit there, reading the heartbroken expressions on the judges’ faces, not having a fancy hearing device of her own. What the hell?!  You can tell the judges HATE the producers for making them go through that sad, sad, scene. I look over at Will, whose eyes are teary.  Well played, AI.

We’ve seen the ‘homeless drifter’ routine before, and we’ve got another one in Season 1-4. Man, this kid has seen some shit.   Harry said that the kid’s ability to fit into the show “concerns me”—what concerns ME is the prospect of watching these people make this kid suffer through a terrible group dance number set to a lip synched version of “Bang Bang.”

But the best part of the show was the last scene. Did you guys see how J-Lo was looking at that plate of ribs Ryan set in front of her, while she mumbled “I can’t, I can’t” repeatedly?  And just yesterday a friend was telling me how his sister was on a photo shoot with JLo, who wolfed down craft services and then kept running in place and maniacally exercising. Did I just feel bad for JLo a little bit?

OK, Off to go to watch episode 4, which I didn’t watch last night bc I was out with aforementioned friend talking about JLo’s eating disorder.

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