For Will’s take, click here
American Idol started off with what we in the corporate world refer to as a competitive analysis, hitting The Voice right in Adam Levine’s surely waxed nuts. You see, American Idol is the only show to give us bona fide stars (cut to Clarkson, Underwood, ignore Hicks, Dewyze). And it’s MORE than just raw talent. The judges are looking for the ‘whole package’ — which means ‘if you are good looking, you just might get a pass,’ based on the fact that right before anyone so-so got sent to Hollywood, we cut to a judge talking about some “star quality” je ne sais quoi, and in walks some hot guy with a guitar.
Season 13 aficionados had a shocking flash back off the bat, with an even MORE annoying version of Alabama country Dexter singing Signed Sealed Delivered. Harry called him out for being ‘goofy’—which is a far nicer adjective than I used playing at home. Good God, he got a ticket. I’m going with my gut that America will find him annoying as well.
We continued to be delightfully underwhelmed, yet we saw lots of montages showing kids with golden tickets whose performances we never saw. I always feel bad for those kids, who I’m sure told their entire senior class at Indian Hills High School and coworkers at Espresso Yourself Café and every distant relative on Facebook that “I will be on American Idol tonight. “ Surely if Ryan Fn Seacrest filmed a whole segment riding you around in a rickshaw while you proudly displayed your golden ticket, you will have a whole feature on the TWO HOUR show. Nope, that rickshaw was just a nice photo op and something to do with an increasingly irrelevant Seacrest (I can say this because I see how I am becoming the irrelevant old lady at work, myself).
Tonight we got our first Single Mom of the season. She trotted in her cute kid and after some home footage of going into the refrigerator, I could tell the judges wanted the mom to be good, as did me and Will. My husband also said, “wow, she’s pretty” about 8 times during this segment, giving a big clue as to why this girl got knocked up at 18.
There were some 15 year olds that looked like 24 year olds, mercifully only one Go Pro, and a great montage with VOs claiming, “My hopes and dreams hinge on a life in music,” and “This is the only life I see for myself.” This right here explains why 15 years into my career, I’m still making my own spreadsheets, filing out my own expenses and running to Staples to make more labels… all the people who should be doing this shit in any company across the United States is “not going to give up on my dream.” Kids, learn Powerpoint, Salesforce and Marketo, and you can make a good steady salary with benefits, we’re hiring.
And then, the clouds opened up in the heavens, and out came a blind guy. One of the highlights of my and Will’s American Idol journey was the season when the blind guy made the top 10. Watching the amazingly cheesy AI choreographers work around that poor kid in the so-awful-it’s-amazing group numbers was really something we looked forward to every week. This guy Garret is not only blind, but he is so friggin cool, really good… and the cherry on top is he comes with a super proud Dad that makes me cry just looking at him. I’m all in.
I’d be remiss not to mention the American Idol brainteaser posed to us at the end of a commercial break. I feel for the people who have to put this together, as I think that I have the equivalent of their job. Guys, we need you to come up with something engaging to keep the viewers attention until we come back from break. Keep it light, and dumb it down to the least common denominator. GO. Uh, how about “How many of Keith’s sexy t-shirts are on display in the Country Music Hall of Fame?” I do have to admit that Will and I actually debated it during the DVR FF. SPOILER ALERT: ONE.
We see a couple guys from last year who I actually recognize, Alex Sheir and Savion Wright or something like that. In their “last year” package, they look all sorts of different, and the judges notice. I’m frankly shocked every time this “year on year change” happens. I was looking back at college pictures from 1997, and really the only difference between then and now is about 10 pounds and sometimes I wear a necklace. How do people change ‘looks’ like this?!
We see an interesting guy who’s totally OCD and good… but with that face paint, you are not going to win over the “Ladies from Accounts Receivable” vote, kid! And living with a neurotic person myself, I’m very concerned for his poor roommate at the Ramada Inn West Hollywood. And then this manufactured poor child who talks about her stage name “Lovey” who has some “original content out there” [cut to clip of her really poor man’s britney spears music video, which must be blowing up right now]. I’m shocked and appalled that 1) the judges put her through; 2) that if she has gone through the trouble and expense of hiring some predatory ‘manager’ who gifted her this nickname, she doesn’t have a fake story to make the name seem genuine and announces it as her Stage Name; 3) that she has some creeping predatory manager who probably paid for her bus ticket to Nashville in exchange for owning the name Lovey.
They talk about the American Idol Bus again, and I still don’t understand. Do people win automatic auditions? Do they get their plane ticket paid for? Do they go ON the bus? I don’t understand, I don’t understand.
Anywho, props to Keith for the “What a Cluster” t-shirt, which I need to queue up for Casual Friday. And HARRY YOU ARE STILL DREAMY, so funny, so handsome, swoon. #myhusbandsahater
Yes Ryan, I will tune in again next week, I friggin love this shit.