Worst B and B ever

Christmas morning at my parents’ house is not exactly peaceful and serene. Let’s count the ways:

— my mother is up until roughly 4 am, making tons of noise and exclaiming “oh nooooooo” when a new Xmas disaster unfurls, ie where is that chafing dish!, I can’t find the extra napkin rings!, I was ahead of schedule until hollie and will showed up early!

— as late as she’s up at night, she’s awake banging around with myriad appliances by 8 am and talking — to no one in particular– about things that can possibly go wrong and how she won’t even get to enjoy it all…

–we share a too small bed with two anxious dogs who rise with the sun, knowing that grandma and grandpa are about to wake, ducks are on the lawn ready to be chased, and a specialty egg and cheese will soon be cooked for them

— even without the dogs, the east facing windows in the guest room are masked with LACE shades. FYI, lace shades do NOT block out sun. Add in the fact that in the home office we have sun blocker shades for our ground floor north facing bedroom.

— my dad is pacing around the house mumbling about how fn crazy my mother is and how much fn Christmas sucks starting Xmas eve and extending through the next day

— the Xmas phone calls start ringing through the 7 phones (with loud old timey rings) starting at about 9. With each call you get to hear about all there is to do that day and any variances that are not allowing for things to run as planned. These conversations occur with people who will be coming over in just a few hours

— because of the duck situation I can’t let the puppy off leash so despite having an acre of lawn, I have to bundle up to take the dogs out to pee.

— oh yeah and there about 4 clocks that chime every 15 minutes. And there is about a 2 minute variance between them. So it sounds like Westminster abbey every 12 minutes or so.

By 10:30 I am a cranky overtired bitch

Merry Christmas

Having lace shades is like hanging a doily hanging over a window. THEY DON'T WORK

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